Let me remind you of the classic American folk tale about John Henry. Here's the gist: The railroad man John Henry was the ultimate man's man, a guy who swung a giant tool between his legs and hammered harder and drilled deeper than anyone else. People were amazed by how he blasted those tunnels. His wife loved him. His pride grew.
Then, one day, someone invented a steam drill and announced that it was better at tunneling than any man, including John Henry. So prideful John Henry challenged that steam drill to a race — and, amazingly, through superhuman exertion, he won. The man beat the machine. But the strain was too much. His heart burst from the effort and he died with a broken heart in his wife's lap.
What I'm saying is: Don't be John Henry. Don't let this become a man-versus-machine battle. Don't psych yourself out — or be threatened by her new technological wonder. Manhood is not defined by hammering faster or harder or even at seven variable speed settings and with six different silicone attachments. Remember that people can do things no machine can do.
In other words, don't be threatened by the vibrator. Be curious. Plenty of happily married, faithful women use vibrators regularly, and often use them in bed with their partners. In the short-term, your partner may just be delighted by her new toy and excited to play with it. Let her. A vibrator doesn't usually replace sex with a partner; it supplements it. It should only add to the fun.
I think you're likely wrong to suggest her recent behavior suggests cheating — and right that she is "not satisfied with our sex life." But that's not because I'm bothered that she purchased a vibrator. That's because when you initiate sex, it's "rejected or seen as a chore."
I think you've fallen into a common trap: Instead of talking to each other about sex (what turns you on or off, what you fantasize about, what you wish the other would do more or less, what simply feels good), you've avoided the hard work of admitting an uncomfortable problem. Instead of talking about this, she's found a workaround and you've become suspicious. You've avoided conversation and, in doing so, reduced talk about your sexual relationship to a yes-or-no binary: Will we have sex or not? Yes or no? Instead of asking her what's going on, you're guessing at why she's unsatisfied. You're coming up with theories about why she got that vibrator instead of talking.
So don't be John Henry and try to muscle through this — or see her machine as your enemy. Acknowledge the elephant in the room: that neither of you is satisfied. Tell her you want to work on making your sex life better. Ask her to tell you what she's missing — or what she'd like to see you do more. Don't blame her or the machine. Don't jump to conclusions. Tell her that you want to start talking more about how to feel closer. Really listen. Ask her about all the things that make you worry, including that vibrator. In fact, as you get specific, maybe you should start there: It might be fun for both of you to talk about her new toy, to share it and play with it together, so you can find out why it turns her on to turn it on.
I've been dating my boyfriend for about three years now, but it hasn't felt like an actual relationship in a long time. He tells me he loves me, but his actions never show that and he's always making me feel guilty about something. Also the sex isn't great. I've considered breaking up with him, but we've been friends longer than we've been dating and he told me he wouldn't be able to be friends with me if I were to break up with him. He's my best friend, but he's also extremely possessive, jealous, and rude to me. I still love him, but I don't want to feel like I'm just settling. What should I do?
I get the strong sense that you know what you need to do — and that you're writing me because you just need someone to confirm it. So I'll tell you what you want to hear: Break up with him now.
You typed the reasons yourself. He's "extremely possessive, jealous, and rude" to you. He's always making you feel guilty. The sex is mediocre. He never acts like he loves you. So why would you stick it out? Because he's threatening that he won't be your friend?
I know he was your best friend before, but it doesn't sound like he's acting like your best friend now.
When something sweet turns sour, it's rarely sudden. We start most relationships with optimism, hoping for the best, so there's often a long lag time before the hope wears off and reality catches up with us. Sometimes, when we settle for someone who treats us terribly, we start by making little excuses. Then nothing changes. So we make more excuses. And nothing changes. So then you convince ourselves that we're being unreasonable — that we're expecting too much. We wonder if we should settle, even if our partner continues to disappoint us.
Don't lower your expectations just because your partner can't meet them. Let yourself off the hook. Don't settle. Even if it seems easier to settle with the guy you already know, it's not. It's much harder to grind through a relationship with someone who treats you terribly.
So, yes: Break up with him! Now!
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over two years. When we first started dating, we had the best sex life ever, sometimes going at it twice a day. Now whenever we try, I start to cry directly after I finish or I cry in the middle of it. I don't know why this is happening. I love my boyfriend deeply, and there has been nothing significant that happened in our relationship that I can think would cause this. I don't know what to do.
Don't worry. You are not nearly alone. So many people cry after sex there's a name for it: "postcoital blues." Unfortunately, despite how many people report feeling this way, nobody's sure exactly why they do.
In my previous column, I summarized the scientific research like this: "Some believe postcoital blues have something to do with the chemical or hormonal nature of the orgasm, in which the euphoric explosion of dopamine is depleted and accompanied by a surge of other hormones. But we just don't know yet." That's still true. We just don't know.
But I will tell you this: You're not crying because you're crazy, because you're weird, or because you're not normal. The human body is a complex system. We still don't understand why some things happens. Don't blame yourself or feel guilty. Don't try to stop it. If you've got to cry, then cry.
Of course, you should certainly consider seeing a therapist and investigating the possibility of depression. It never hurts to visit your doctor, so there's no reason why you shouldn't talk about it with a professional. (As I mention here, antidepressants could possibly ameliorate "postcoital blues.") If not, don't obsess over this. Just be sure to take care of yourself: Sleep well, eat well, exercise, and do all the other things that make you feel good.
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